“I am not ok.” It has taken me a long time to admit that to myself, and even longer to admit it to the people and world around me. The longest journey though has been to get to a place where I’m ok with not being ok all of the time.
I grew up, like a lot of us, in a space where my feelings and emotions had no place in the “real world”. It was expected that I suck it up, work hard and power through – Emotions were weakness, and I had to be strong.I started to grow extremely high (unrealistic) expectations for myself – always be optimistic, be the master of my emotions, have everything figured out, and most importantly, never be weak. In reality I was, of course, far from any of these things.Desperate to be in control, I started searching for the answers – for the so called “secret” to a perfect, happy life.First I turned to spirituality, then to philosophy. Unsatisfied, I fell into the rabbit hole of personal development, psychology and coaching. And while I had definitely found something I was passionate about, I still hadn’t found all the answers to life, or at least to my life.And then, while I was looking the other way, I became a mom. By this point, I had been working with families and children for over 12 years, but no experience or knowledge could quite prepare me for having a child of my own.While we can all agree becoming a parent is a wonderful thing, I think we can also agree that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do. Becoming a mom revealed so much in me that I had perceived myself to have supposedly overcome. And yet, one day I found myself crying, depressed and feeling incredibly alone.
And I hated myself for it.I felt like a fraud too. People would ask me how I am, how’s motherhood? And I would laugh and smile and tell them it’s all great. I tried to convince myself too that it was all great.Then I would look at other moms; mom blogs or instagram posts, and all the feelings of guilt and inadequacy would come flooding in. How can I have so much training and knowledge, and yet be so lost and isolated from the world?I let this state carry on for far too long, slowly getting worse and worse. And then one day, a wake up call in the form of my son, barely vocal, shouting out loud “Stop it! Mommy cross!”. My heart shattered into a million pieces as I finally saw through his eyes the person I had become. I had no patience, was easily irritated and had a very short fuse. I was unmotivated to do anything and became more of a robot zombie than a person with actual feelings.The guilt was overwhelming – my son deserved so much more, and honestly so did I.It was at this point I sat down, opened my journal that had now collected years of dust, and wrote in big bold writing “I am not ok”. This opened up the floodgates and I was finally acutely aware that I needed help, and that I needed to stop hiding behind this idea that I could never be seen to be falling apart and weak.
I’m still working my way up from that day, but the journey so far made me completely re-evaluate what counselling and coaching actually means to me, and why I believe in connecting with people so deeply. I don’t want to be seen as having it all figured out, because I don’t. I want to connect and support people on a deeper level as they walk through their lives. I want to share the good and the bad, what I’ve learned and all the things I’m still learning. And more than anything I want you to know that you do not have to “suffer in silence” or go at it alone, and that there is more to life and parenting than just surviving.I want to create a deep, meaningful, safe and supportive space and relationship with you that is fulfilling and rewarding.So whether you are a parent or not, I hope you find this space a safe place to explore and learn and share. And please don’t hesitate to reach out to me directly – I would love to connect with you.