Today I feel a little renewed. For the first time in a very long time, I have some space to work. To focus and not worry about the other things that need to happen – I can actually shut everything out for this moment and DO.
Lockdown and the restrictions have been hard on everyone. And yes, we are quick to compare who has it better than others and who has it worse. But, everyone has their own struggles and demons that have reared their ugly heads. For me, this lockdown really highlighted the fact that I have been feeling completely lost – a loss of myself. Most new moms have this experience – who am I outside of being a parent? A lot of us feel the crushing weight of responsibility – we can no longer do a lot of the things we used to. And while I long for a night to let loose or to pursue one of the many hobbies I had in the past again, what I long for the most is that feeling of purpose and fulfillment.
We’ve all struggled with juggling work and home-life under this pandemic, and for me, my work – my passions – got put on the backburner completely. 100% mom 100% of the time is super tough, and I know within myself I am not cut out to be 100% parenting 100% of the time. I know I need my own focus and passions or I will lose my mind. And I did, lose my mind…
“I feel like I’m squeezed inside a box – tightly trying to keep it together, but it’s starting to tear…” – this was me, in tears trying to explain to my husband how I am feeling. “I need your help.”
Why is asking for help so hard? Why do I feel so undeserving of help? Like I’ve failed, like once again I don’t have my shit together like I should? I feel like by asking for help, for more, I am somehow putting myself more and more in debt – like I’m going to have to pay for this somehow at some point.
I understand where these feelings stem from on a deeper level, along with a bucketful of other feelings and emotions I’m struggling with at the moment. And I know, I need some outside help – a greater unbiased perspective, and some deep personal retrospect. So, I’m going to seek it out. wish me luck!
And as for today, I have other help. I have someone to occupy the kids, so I can focus just for today on some of the things that will bring me fulfillment. I know I am lucky to have this time and support, but I know I wouldn’t be here unless I had asked. So please, ASK!
Have anything to share? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments below.